Utter Nonsense
by Angela and MiniMix
Summary: L, a cake eating rabbit. Near, a butterfly, Misa a tantrum-throwing Queen, and Mello the quite mad March Hare. Light, in the midst of it all, wondering why the hell he's now wearing a dress. Sometimes nonsense made more than sense than usual.
1. Down the Hole

**Angela: **First off, I'm not the only one writing this story. It is a collaborate effort on the part of myself, ShadowoverEgypt, ComputerFreak101, and Lerena, who's pen name I don't actually know, over MSN.

Secondly, it is set _during_the Yotsuba arc of the series. And since Alice in Wonderland is, essentially, nonsense, it only fits that Mello and Near make appearances, since that in itself is somewhat nonsensical.

**Lerena Leigh Helena:**As one of the mini-writers, LLH has written her part as accurately and IC as humanly possible. She does better purely as Misa, but the other characters were played to the best of her ability.

**Compy:** I have been dragged here against my will and beg you to help me before the Stockholm sets in and I starts to enjoy this. -waves white flag which is actually L's shirt-

**Shadow:**Once upon a time, Shadow mistakenly announced to Kelpy-kun she wanted to RP, because she was feeling ill and a little lonely. Once upon a time, the RP plot was simple. Once upon a time.

...-wishes heartily we'd just stuck with that fairytale-

* * *

He saw something white. Something white and _rabbit_-shaped from the corner of his eye. Exactly how a _rabbit_ got into the Task force headquarters he wasn't even going to try to figure out right now. Three nights without sleep had taken their toll on Light's brain, and he simply turned. No rabbit.

No rabbit--Light did a double take. No rabbit, but L. A mini L in a bunny shaped cart, being pushed by a red-faced and wheezing Watari. Light stared, watching as L ran his hand along the cart's side, bringing back white icing and licking it off his fingers. While Light tried to wrap his mind around the fact that L was in a rabbit shaped cart MADE OF CAKE, L pulled a watch from his pocket and consulted it. "Faster, Watari, we're late, we're late, we're late." Watari wheezed some more, looking like he wouldn't need Kira to get a heart attack.

"Ryuuzaki..." Light couldn't help but frown at the sight. "Wouldn't you get wherever you're going faster if you got out and helped push?"

L stared down from on top of his cake-cart, imperious and impassive while dangling a strawberry masquerading as the horn between thumb and forefinger. "Light-kun, that would utterly defeat the object of this enterprise."

"And... what _is _the object of the enterprise" Light's gaze slid down to the gasping Watari, who continued to wheeze.

"To be pushed to wherever I'm going." A decisive nod, and the strawberry met its doom. "I'm late for a very important date, Light-kun."

A raised eyebrow at the slow-moving car. "...Wouldn't it just be quicker to get out and walk?"

L looked horrified at the very thought. "Light-kun, that would make no sense!"

_Right,_ thought Light_, and this is coming from the guy being pushed along in a cart made of cake._

It was at this precise moment that something hit Light. _He wasn't handcuffed to L anymore. _He was free to _leave_ if he chose to do so.

In fact, he couldn't even see the handcuffs anywhere in the ro-Er, field?

L watched impassively as Light walked past him. "Where are you going?" he asked.

Light turned around. "I'm going somewhere. I don't know where I am, so how do I know where am I headed?"

L blinked. "You're headed where I'm headed."

"And that would be...?" asked Light.

"You'll see." He checked the watch again. "Faster, Watari. Get Light-kun to help you if you must."

Light frowned - _again_- at the mal-nourished detective. "I'm not pushing you."

"Are you refusing to help me, Yagami-kun" L swiped a large handful of cake, studying the gooey mass in his palm abstractedly.

"I refuse to _push you around_, like some reigning king."

Dark onyx eyes glowed Light's way. "The possibility of your being Kira has just risen by nineteen point five percent, Yagami-kun."

"_What?" _Light was hard pushed to hide the incredulous whine in his voice. "How did you work _that _one out?"

"By refusing to help Watari, Light-kun is hindering the Kira investigation." L sniffily replied. "Something Light Yagami should have no possible reason for doing - _unless_, of course, Light Yagami is in fact Kira."

Light _scowled._"That's ridiculous, Ryuuzaki."

A subtle, mocking smile from L. "Are you, or are you not, Light-kun, refusing to help Watari...?"

"Ryuzaki, you're _twisting_ things around again!" Light snapped.

L stared at Light. "Your percentage of being Kira has just risen 5 percent. There is no reason you should seem so defensive. If you were not Kira, then you wouldn't be so upset. Thus, you must be Kira, Light Yagami."

"I'm _defensive_ because you're accusing me of being_ Kira_ based on nothing more than my not wanting to _push_ you like a king!"

"But Light-kun, Kira fancies himself a God. Therefore, he would loathe to treat anyone else like a king, or god, or any position higher than him, because then that would conflict with his ideals."

"Kira's ideals are to create a better world, Ryuuzaki," Light argued. "Therefore whether he would push someone in a cake cart is entirely irrelevant to the situation."

"Why - Yagami-kun! That sounds suspiciously like support for a mass-murderer." L finished munching the cake he'd gathered in his hand. "Does Light-kun harbour pro-Kira tendencies?"

"The wish for a better world is a dream belonging to more than just _Kira, _Ryuuzaki." Light crossed his arms. "To state anything otherwise would be to accuse most of the world's leading religions of being Kira-supporters."

"Well, as Kira sees himself as a God -"

"Don't even _go _there, Ryuuzaki."

"I think it's safe to say that regardless of your defense, you are Kira. You seem to know the way he thinks better than you should, so the possibilities increase."

"Do you think I'm the type of person to kill?!" asked Light.

"As a matter of fact, Light-kun, I do. You are precisely the type of person who could kill if needed."

Light turned to him, glowering darkly. "For _God's _sake man! I am _innocent_! Surely you can't believe I would _kill_ someone! What Kira's doing is not justice!"

"But Light-kun just said Kira's _ideals _were to create a better world. Surely that is what justice is all about, yes?" He scooped up another fingerful of icing and licked it clean. "Light-kun is contradicting himself in his defensiveness. It has risen another two percent."

Light suddenly had the terrible, wonderful urge to PUNCH L - _hard_ -, Death Notes, heart attacks and glorious revenge be damned. Pushing the irritating detective out of a nearby window would be just as satisfactory, and hearing the other go 'splat' on the pavement below would be the perfect balm to Light's frazzled nerves.

Watari, now looking near to collapse, kept pushing along the cart.

L took another wipe of cake from his finger and licked it off. "Light, what is that look on your face?" He stared with his onyx eyes. "Could it be that you wish for my demise?"

Light stared back at L and his look of mischievousness vanished. "No. I was just thinking about eating some of your cart. It looks good."

"Oh. Well, you're a bad liar, Kira." He took another bite of his cart.

"I'm _not _Kira!" protested Light.

"Of course you're not Kira," he said mildly. "Look out for the door."

"What do-" Light half turned as he hit it, knocking himself backwards with a startled yell.

"That door," said L, watching as Light hit the ground, adding a second bump to go with the one forming on his forehead. L watched Light's eyes stare unfocused at the ceiling, stunned before looking at his watch again. "We're late, we're late. For a very important date. Come, Watari." Sighing, Watari pushed the cart again, and the cake cart scurried past Light through the doorway, L's voice echoing back as he disappeared. "No time to say hello, goodbye, I'm late, I'm late, I'm late."

* * *

**Angela**: And that's that. Hang around if you want to see what we cook up next. x3


	2. And through the Door

**Angela: **Welcome to chapter 2. x3 If you're reading this right now, it means that you're either as crazy as we are to be writing this in the first place, or you really really liked the first chapter.

Or you're just here because someone tricked you into clicking a link to get here and as soon as you realize this isn't the link you were looking for, you intend to click that back button and run away as fast and as far as you can.

I don't suggest that option. :3

**Lerena Leigh Helena: **LLH here. -clears throat- This is chapter two, obviously, and I may be a little shaky with being Ryuuku for some parts. However, I'm trying my best, so bear with me. Also, if Near and Mello appear in this chapter, I haven't gotten to that arc of Death Note, so writing them will be rather difficult.

**Angela: **Oh, don't worry. They won't be here for awhile. :3

**Compy: **...I just helped write a second chapter. -adds Light's shirt to her white flag collection-

**Shadow: **(ShaCha didn't know what she wanted to say so.) -Shrug-

* * *

He thought he was drowning at first. Something -not heavy but not exactly _light _either- was on his chest and it took him a moment to realize he was on dry land. Cracking an eye open, he was startled to find Ryuuku sitting on his chest, grinning down at him between bites of an apple.

"Ah you're awake." Ryuuku dropped the apple core down his throat, swallowing and flashing another grin at Light. "'Bout time. That was my last apple."

Light pressed a hand to his head, his temples throbbing. _Trust Ryuuzaki not to point out the important things until the last available opportunity..._"Ryuuku," his gaze focused rather dizzily on the shinigami perched so uncomfortably atop him, Light getting straight to the heart of the most pressing matter that sprung into his aching head. "Why in _God's_ name are you wearing cat ears?"

Ryuuku grinned mischievously at Light and replied, "Well, I don't really mind your questions, but you're late for something."

"Late for what?" asked Light.

Ryuuku laughed a little and said, "Late for getting me more apples!"

There was a pause. "Ryuuku?"

"Yes?"

"Get off me." Grinning wildly, Ryuuku obediently slid off of Light's stomach, tail twitching. ...Wail, _tail?_

"First cat ears, and now a tail? Did you become a furry while I was passed out?"

"No, no. Now, about those apples?"

"I expect an explanation before you get anything!"

Ryuuku pouted - or at least, did an approximation of what a shinigami would look like pouting. Light personally wouldn't know, not really having seen many death gods in the first place, and very few of them actually being immature enough to feel the need to actually _pout_anyway. "I can explain only what I know to what you're asking, and I know enough to explain that I don't know enough about what you're asking to explain." A sort-of shrug from Ryuuku, cat ears twitching and tail swishing to and fro. "You don't like my explanations anyway. Now - _apples?_"

Light followed the confusing babble with suitable confusion. "...What?"

"Apples. You know, those red balls of juicy goodness that you humans take for granted." Ryuuku leaned into Light's face, grin stretching to disturbing proportions (because there was smiling and then there was _smiling_). "Light...don't make me meow."

Light stared at Ryuuku. "Your grinning is disturbing."

Ryuuku smiled again, leaning further forward. Light twitched. "Mad. You're all mad. You, Ryuuzaki, me obviously. And what is with this dress!"

Ryuuku laughed. "We're all mad Light."

Light stared down at the frilly magenta dress and petticoats he suddenly appeared to be sporting, lost somewhere between dread, horror, anger and utter bewilderment. He was KIRA, damn it._ Kira did not wear frilly magenta dresses and petticoats._

"The ribbon looks very pretty too," Ryuuku added rather unhelpfully.

Light scowled at him. "What ribbon?"

"The one in your hair."

"I'm not -" Light caught himself, instead reaching up to snatch at a brightly-coloured strip of cloth perched in an irritatingly _adorable_, cutesy way on the top of his head. _In a bow_. "What in the name of _God_ is going on? " The teen suddenly demanded, beyond annoyed.

"Obvious, isn't it? You're in a nonsense world, in a dress, and I'm about to go after your head as a substitute if you don't get me an apple." Ryuuku's eyes trailed downward and he cackled. "Or I could go for one of those..."

Light followed the shinigami's gaze, and sputtered in absolute horror. Ryuuku was bad enough, and the dress was worse, but Light found that his new appearance was more than dress deep. Light Yagami had formed _breasts_, and Ryuuku was now squeezing one, saying, "This looks juicy enough to pass for an apple..." And he was _drooling_.

Light was annoyed that he was a girl, but even more annoyed that Ryuuku was touching his breasts. "Quit touching my breasts!" he shrieked. "ACK! My voice is high-pitched!"

Ryuuku laughed. "Then get me the apples, and I won't have to!" he declared.

"And where the hell do I get apples in this place?" Light demanded.

"From the trees, Light. Apples come from trees."

Light _dearly _wanted to wring Ryuuku's neck. "Do you _see_any trees around here, idiot shinigami?" He deliberately tried to pitch his voice low, trying to reach his normal tenor. He failed. Rather spectacularly too, managing to squeak on some of his vowels, not used to the shift in his voice box.

"Right over there." Ryuuku pointed over Light's shoulder.

"Don't be ridiculous, I looked there before and there wasn't -"

"Do you wanna be molested again?" Light turned around.

A giant wooden..._pole_ met Light's incredulous gaze. Gazing to his far right he could see another pole, another directly in front of the other one by some way, another one diagonally opposite where he stood. Glancing up to the heavens, Light could see the four poles were all attached to some kind of..._ceiling_-thing, but what the thing was for he didn't...

Brown eyes suddenly widened, something clicking in the back of the professed genius' mind.

"It's a table."

"Yup." Ryuuku nodded gleefully.

"A giant table."

"Yup."

"And the apples are on top of it?" With no possible way Light could see of reaching it.

"Yup." Ryuuku looked just a _little_bit too happy for someone claiming to be in desperate need of apples. He probably just enjoyed making Light squirm.

Light resisted the urge to groan. _Damn_ it.

"And just how the _hell_ am I supposed to get _up_ there?"

Ryuuku laughed again. "You _climb_ of course!"

"How am I supposed to do that in a dress?"

"But you're not wearing one anymore." Blinking, Light looked down and saw that, indeed, his puffy dress had shifted back to his normal outfit of _men's_ pants and shirt. This victory was short lived, however, because his outfit was still magenta, the ribbon was still in his hair, and he _still_ had breasts.

Ryuuku giggled annoyingly, as he wanted Light try to climb the table.

"This is ridiculous!" Light screamed stubbornly. "Oh, great, now I have bitching powers!" he muttered. Not only did he dislike the slight change in his voice, he seemed to find it easier to complain and this wasn't very good for Kira.

Calming himself down, he reached for the table leg. Maybe he could shimmy up it or...

Taking a page from an old Disney movie he'd seen once, _Mulan_, he slid out of his jacket and used it to climb the leg. Halfway there, he slid back down, tired. Climbing a table leg was harder than he'd expected it to be, and it was taller than he'd originally calculated. At this rate, he'd never get up there.

But...if he gave _up_, Ryuuku would molest him...

Casting a glance back over his shoulder at the leering shinigami, Light shivered. _This requires thought._

Pausing in his actions Light took a seat on the ground, amber-brown eyes focusing fiercely on the dratted table-leg that was the source of all his life's problems - at that current time, anyway.

_L_ was a pretty big problem too, being anorexic and insomniac and attached to him ninety-nine point nine percent of his life by a jangling metal handcuff - But L wasn't here right now, thank God.

_Ryuuzaki _was still probably off somewhere being pushed around in his cart made of cake, eating away the weight poor Watari pushed around and waving his finger in the air as he made wild denunciations of Light's innocence, damn him.

Light stared at the table-leg, and quietly sulked. Something glittered at the corner of his eye.

About to turn about and rebuke Ryuuku, Light opened his mouth - and then shut his jaw with a snap as he spied a lone bottle of..._something_ or other gleaming at him from atop a grassy bump in the field he hadn't noticed before. (Light debated questioning its appearance, but quickly reasoned against it, deciding that if giant tables could 'poof' from nowhere a little mound of soil and a bottle couldn't really be all that much of a problem.) Upon further inspection, the bottle bore a small, crudely-written sign hanging around its neck.

_Drink Me._

Light picked up the bottle, turning it in his hands and watching the liquid (because it _certainly _wasn't water) slosh around inside. "Drink Me," he read softly. Despite his expressionless face, a million and one alarm bells were going off in his genius, mass murdering mind. It was obvious that nothing could be trusted in this place, and he could be drinking poison for all he knew. Besides that, the sign looked suspiciously like the handwriting in the How To Use part of the Death Note. And if Ryuuku had _anything_ to do with this, even _Matsuda _would be smart enough not to drink it.

...Well, maybe that was stretching it. Matsuda was a special kind of idiot, after all.

Light froze when he felt Ryuuku lean over him, breathing down his neck. "It says 'Drink Me', Light. I'd think you'd be smart enough to follow instructions like that, right?"

"Ryuuku there is no way I'm drinking this without kno--AAAAH!" Ryuuku was groping his breasts again.

Light ripped the cork off the bottle and downed it in one gulp.

At first, Light thought this might actually be something normal, but then his face twitched. "This is _horrible_!" he said.

"Yea, but look. You don't have any breasts anymore!" said Ryuuku pointing at him. "It's a shame too. Now, get me some apples, before I give you more breasts."

Light looked at himself and realized that he was big enough to reach the table and get the apples on it. He rolled his eyes, unsure of whether he should help Ryuuku. If he did have the ability to give him breasts again, it might be a good idea to do it. He reached into the bowl on the table and got Ryuuku his apples.

That's when he realized the new dilemma. Now he was as tall as the table, and Ryuuku was still the same size he'd been before.

And the door-where the hell did _that_ come from?- was the size he's previously been. And he had no idea how to get back to that size.

Light looked around himself, searching for some way out of the dilemma he found himself in. The 'field' he had been standing on before now turned out to be nothing more than a deep-pile green carpet, the blue 'sky' baby-blue painted walls (and ceiling) of a windowless room.

There appeared to be only one entrance or exit, and that would be the miniature door that was currently 'Ryuuku height' - and 'Ryuuku height' was barely reaching the height of Light's ankle, thereby making it just a _little_ bit of a tight squeeze for Light to force his way through it.

Thankfully, as Ryuuku had pointed out before, Light's breasts were gone. Sadly, the magenta pink dress (and accompanying frills) had decided to reappear with an almighty _flourish_ just to taunt Light alongside his sudden unnatural growth spurt. So he was male, in female clothes. _Brilliant._ Just...absolutely _brilliant._

This...probably also meant Ryuuku could stare up his skirt...

Flushing, Light yanked his skirt down, debating giving the chortling shinigami on the floor a good kick. Or, if that failed, he could just drop one of the bloody apples on Ryuuku's head and hope to god the perverted Death God got squished by the fruit.

Ryuuku stared up at Light with the impatience that could only accompany someone with an insane craving for apples. "Well, Light?" he said, whose voice likely appeared squeaky and annoying to the giant figure.

Light twitched. Ryuuku sounded like a mouse to him from his height. Still in the dress, he managed to grab an apple. He pretended to drop it 'accidentally' on the shinigami's head.

To Light's dismay, the entire apple disappeared inside the demented death god's mouth. He appeared to be demanding another apple for later. "Could this day get any more annoying?" he asked himself. He plucked another apple and barely realized that he had forgotten to be sure Ryuuku couldn't look up his skirt this time.

When he remembered, he used his foot to shove the Death God away as he took a good look around. Still no new doors for him to leave the house with, but there was a bottle on the table.

_Drink to shrink. -Ryuuzaki._

...While convienant, it was also suspicious.

Like pretty much everything _else _about Ryuuzaki, actually.

So -

Light sighed, and picked up the 'Drink to Shrink' bottle. He'd already drank one amount of suspicious substance that day - if it was going to do any damage he was pretty much _already_ screwed.

Light had no idea what sort of chemicals existed in all these liquids he was ingesting, nor what sort of effects they were having on his insides, but -

Death over boredom, right?

Light drained the bottle to the last drop.

Almost immediately, he felt himself plummeting down, having been instantly shrunk. He screeched, flapping his wings in a sick parody of a bird (while Ryuuku had the nerve to _laugh_) before hitting the ground with a solid crunch. He groaned, his entire front side aching, especially his chest. A quick inspection made him groan again. He was back in his usual outfit of pants and shirt, but the breasts had returned. "Ryuuku, now would be a good time to kill me."

A snicker. "Oh no, you're far too amusing to me as is."

Ryuuku opened the door. "The ceremony thing is about to start. I don't know what it's about but it's something you should watch." he said.

Light stared at him for a moment before walking through the door.

* * *

**Angela:** I apologize for the wait! But Shadow-Chan went to Spain for about a week, so we had to wait for her to come back and contribute her piece to the chapter. x3;;

So, enjoy!


	3. Into the Forest

**Angela:** Chapter three. Who's with me this time? Anyone new, maybe some older people who actually know what's going on? Yes, no, maybe? How many of you actually feel bad for Light, and how many think this is the funniest crack you've ever seen and hope Light gets more? Those choosing the second option please come and get a free cookie. x3;

**ShaCha:**...Kelpy's a slave-driver. An _insistent_slave-driver who demands 'moar' with my other stories and pokes and lurks and whines for RPs. And...I still love her. -sighs-

**Angela:**Speaking of RP- -is thwapped- Ow.

**ComputerFreak101: **...Eyeballs.

* * *

Beyond the door, was the headquarters.

At least, that's what he thought at first, until he realized that no, this was not the headquarters. For one thing, the Task Force were all wearing animal costumes.

His father, Soichiro, was dressed as a mouse. (Well, Light _assumed _it was a mouse - it could just be a really, really large rat, but people didn't usually dress up in rat costumes - did they?) Aizawa was...an eaglet, a baby eagle; Ukita - wasn't he supposed to be _dead_? Light was pretty sure Misa had killed him, hadn't the girl told him so? Then again, the girl was such a _ditz_- wait. Ukita was a dodo. (Light smirked at the irony.) Matsuda, ridiculous as always, was dressed up as a yellow duck.

Soichiro seemed to be speaking. Shutting the small door behind him quietly - Ryuuku seemed to have vanished -, Light snuck up to the small podium where his father was talking and listened in.

"Alright then," said Soichiro. "As I was saying; this race's rules are very simple! And that is...there are no rules!" _'Of course,'_ Light mentally groaned. _'Everything else around here is crazy, why not my father?'_

"All you have to do is run in a circle! That's it!" proclaimed his father cheerfully. "Any shape you want as long as it's a circle!" Light facepalmed as Matsuda quacked in agreement.

Matsuda started running around in circles quacking for no apparent reason. He was very loud and Light almost wished he were deaf.

"Light, what have I told you about dressing like that in public?" asked Soichiro.

Light felt strange as he realized he was now dressed as a chicken. That was almost as bad as the dress. _'A chicken?'_ he thought. He wondered if this could get any worse, and he found himself joining in the crazy race. Was he being influenced by the madness of everyone else around him?

When he finally managed to stop running-although the chicken suit was still there, but at least it wasn't magenta or a dress- he noticed that the rest of the Task Force had also stopped running in circles, squares, polygons and whatever other shapes they'd been running in.

He hoped that was a good sign.

"And now it's time for the prizes!" _Prizes? What prizes?_

"Light, if you please?"

"What?" he asked, dumbfounded. He certainly didn't have any prizes in his chi-...Dress pocket. He silently damned the dress for returning.

"Prizes!" Soichiro insisted, as if such a thing was the most obvious thing in all the world.

"_Prizes!_" Matsuda quacked in ducky-glee, bouncing up and down on his costumed webbed feet. Aizawa snorted, and hit him over the back of the head.

"But...what prizes?" Light asked, at sea in front of the task force in his frilly, frilly dress.

"And how could I award them, anyway? We all didn't run the same shape, therefore - who won?"

"My dear boy,_ everyone _won!" Soichiro threw out his arms while Matsuda quack-cheered. "Now, make haste! The prizes, my son!"

_'Son is a relative term,'_ Light though, pulling at his dress. "Alright, alright, um...who's first?"

Matsuda quacked loudly. "Me first, me first!" he said childishly.

Light rolled his eyes, unsure of whether Matsuda was under the influence of this bizarre world or if he'd actually pull a stunt like this.

Matsuda did seem the type to do something like that normally anyway, even without the influence of this madness.

But...the issue of prizes? Light wracked his mind, trying to think of what he could gift to the race competitors, and for what reason. He had nothing spectacular in his pockets, but...maybe that would have to do?

"To Matsuda -" Light started with the task force member dressed as a duck, "I give this bow," he snatched the bow off of his head, and moved to place it around Matsuda's neck, "for being the most enthusiastic racer."

Moving through the rest of the task force members, Light gifted Aizawa and Ukita with feathers pulled from Matsuda's tail (Matsuda had screeched at that), and a series of over-elaborate bows torn from Light's dress respectively.

He wished he could have given them the dress itself, but then he'd be naked, and he did _not_wish to parade himself - male or female - in front of his father and the idiots that were his co-workers. Especially when Ryuuku could pop up any minute, asking for apples, and instead getting...that. He'd probably die from laughter.

...Hm. Maybe he should give up the dress after all...

But what if **L** was watching? The man _did_ have a thing for video taping Light for days on end, after all.

_"Ryuuzaki-san is a pervert!"_

Light shuddered, both at the image of Pervert!L and Misa actually being _right_, then realized his father was talking again.

Not wanting to stick around for whatever madness was coming next, Light hurried on, through a door that had appeared in the wall some time ago, when they'd been "racing".

This door led to a forest.

Light didn't even question it this time, just kept walking. If he was lucky, he'd find something normal at the end of this forest.

That was assuming the forest actually had an end, anyway. In this land of nonsense, who was Light to try and apply the laws of physics and simple sanity? It appeared best to just react to events as they arose; it was useless creating plans for an environment when that very same environment kept shifting so very irritatingly under his feet -Light sighed, passing a hand through his hair in frustration. At least he'd lost that damn bow.

Following a path that seemed to have appeared from nowhere in front of his feet Light kept walking, dappled sunshine streaking in from the canopy above to light his way. The youth was getting rather fed-up of all the walking and running and climbing and other physical exertions this day kept demanding of him - Light was by no means unfit, but even he drew a line at some point or other. It wouldn't do to get too sweaty after all; it would ruin his usual calm countenance.

And L would probably laugh at him. Did L laugh? Light didn't think he'd even seen L laugh. Did he even _want_ to? _Urgh_, this was hurting Light's head and -

Speaking of L...

Ahead of Light the path broke into two, one fork branching off to the left, the other veering sharply to the right.

Two paths, two choices, and two...two _L_s standing in front of either one.

_Urgh_. Light repeated his internal complaint of before, coming to a halt at the fork and glaring at both males ahead of him. _As if _one_ wasn't bad enough._

"Hello Light-kun," chorused the two L's. They reminded L of something you'd see in a horror movie, standing there grinning at him _(Come play with us, Light-kun!)_ like that. He briefly considered turning back, but then remembered exactly _what_ was back there. His father and the others were probably holding limbo contests. Shuddering at the mental image, Light resigned himself and looked back and forth between the two L's.

"Ryuuzaki…I thought you were with Watari?"

"Watari's not here."

"I can see that."

"Watari had to leave," said the L to the left. "Watari had--"

"Business to do," finished the L on the right. "Very important business, he--"

"Had to get more cake." Left L this time.

"…" Deciding it was better for his remaining sanity to not question _anything_ he saw from now on, Light looked at the two paths again. "Alright then…so which path am I supposed to take?"

"Take the path--"

"You have to take," said Right L, as Left L began chewing on his thumb. At Light's exasperated glare, he continued. "You don't know which path to take, left, right, left, right, so because you are facing the unknown--"

"Both paths may be right--"

"And both paths may be wrong."

"Both paths will take you where you want to go--"

"But since you don't know where you're going--"

"Whatever path you take will take you there."

"It's all very simple, Light-kun."

"Indeed. Someone with your reasoning abilities--"

"Should have figured it out."

By now, Light was feeling very dizzy and very frustrated. "So which one do you want me to take?!" he snapped.

"This one!" chirped Right L. "Take this one, take this one!"

"Yes, that one may be best," said Left L.

"Okay, fine." It was the first straight answer he'd gotten in this place, and as Light stepped forward he asked, "Why this one?"

"So B can take your eyeballs!" Light froze, staring at Right L. "That's the price to come to B's side, Light-kun, your eyeballs! Your lovely, soft, normal eyeballs! Know why? Because--"

"B likes jam."

"B likes jam! And eyeball juice is very good, it's the only jam B likes!" Light was no fully gaping in horror at Right L--no, _B_--who was staring at him in absolute ecstasy. "Why'd you stop? Come, come, Light-kun, this way, this way!"

"_This_ is the right path?!" Light screeched, backing away from the psychotic L clone. He glared at Left, no, just L. "Why'd you tell me to go there? What do _you_ want, my ears? My brain? My _liver_?"

"Liver is bad. Too plain. Not like jam."

"There is now a twenty percent chance Light-kun is Kira," said L calmly, ignoring B.

"_What_?"

"Kira is a very self-preserving person, Light-kun. You gave up the chance to move forward to save your eyes. Therefore--"

"_What the hell is wrong with you_!" Light stomped his foot (a testament to how insanely aggravated he was), emphasizing each word. _"I. Am. Not. Kira_!"

"You're acting very childishly, Light-kun. Kira is also--"

Light screamed and stormed away, ignoring L's muttered percentages and B's wails at lost Eye Jam.

Forget the Death Note. Forget a nice, simple heart attack. The _moment_ Light got out of here, he was going to shoot L. Many, _many_ times.

Starting with his _eyeballs._

Light stormed away for about another yard or so, but knew he would have to make a decision sometime. If it wasn't for B's ridiculous requirement to take out his eyes, he'd certainly take his route. However, if he shoved past L, it was likely suspicion would arise in him again. He couldn't be discovered as Kira. If such a route had B guarding it, he'd rather be late for whatever would happen after this. He turned around and started walking to L's path. He knew L would say something, but he really hoped he could make a nice shove past him.

"Hello, again, Light. I still suspect you as Kira." said L. "Would you like to walk past me? If you do, that will automatically mean you are Kira, as you would rather preserve your eyesight than help me catch him."

"Look, I don't have time for your games. I really need to go, Ryuuzaki." he said.

Light gave L a rude shove out of his way and started to walk down the path. He could hear L raising the percentage of him being Kira, but this was completely ridiculous.

L's voice followed him down the path, but Light ignored it completely. Stupid bastard and his percentages. He hoped he'd choke on them in his sleep.

Not that L actually slept.

Thankfully, L's voice faded as he got further away from the fork, and soon came to a gate.

Well now. This was interesting.

It was a large wrought-iron gate, roughly about the height of two men, the hinges connected to two brick pillars either side. On the left pillar a copper plaque bore the title 'The Wammy's House', while the right held a small intercom Light assumed must connect to the large...house-building-thing he could see through the gate.

Light pressed the button on the intercom, unsure of just who it was he was connecting to. "Hello?"

There was a moment's silence, before the speaker on the intercom buzzed to life. "Are you here for tea?"

"I beg your pardon?" Light looked down at his watch - it wasn't even noon yet. "Isn't it a little early for tea?"

"It's never too early for tea."

Light frowned, but decided to go along with it. "Alright then. I'm here for tea, if you'll have me." The gates swung open. Light, unsure of where exactly he was meant to be going, headed for the building before him, climbing a short flight of stairs to the front door and pushing it open.

"Ah, Yagami-kun!" L looked up from the flower-printed china tea-cup he was sipping from. "You're finally here." The goofy smile Light so hated was plastered firmly on the detective's face.

_Oh, you have _got_ to be kidding me..._ Light had to strongly resist the urge to bang his head off a nearby wall - or the large table that was in the building's front entrance hall before him.

It was a long, _long _table, set with an innumerable number of places Light couldn't be bothered to count, each place set with it's own little steaming teapot and teacup. Sugar bowls lay heaped everywhere as did chocolate biscuits, and Light forced himself not wince at all the cavities that lot would be producing for the three souls perched at the very furthest end of the table away from him: -some blonde-haired girl-boy wearing bunny ears; a boy wearing goggles, mouse ears and completely absorbed in a beeping video game, and L wearing an extraordinarily ridiculous lime-green hat.

And how had L gotten there anyway?

L's smile suddenly faded. "Yagami-kun should know better to crash a party uninvited."

Light frowned. "You _invited_ me. Through the intercom."

"I did no such thing."

"But I heard you."

"Then Yagami-kun must be hearing things, for I most certainly did not invite him." L bit his lip, the green hat dropping over his eyes. "But since Yagami-kun is here now, would he like some tea?"

Light rolled his eyes, but moved up to take a seat beside the lunatics. "Who's the girl?" He motioned at the bunny-ears wearer.

L looked vaguely troubled. "Mello is male, Yagami-kun."

"He looks like a girl, with that hair."

"Says the guy wearing a dress." 'Mello's' response was particularly acidic.

Wearing the--_crap_. Light scowled down at the mass of magenta and heard a series of squeaks. Looking up, he saw that the mouse was laughing at him - and it still hadn't looked up from its game.

"And you are…?"

"That's Matt," said Mello, still sounding miffed. Matt squeaked. "He won't say anything until he's beaten the level."

"Right…" Turning back to L, who was pouring ungodly amounts of sugar into his tea, Light asked, "So how the heck did you get here from the path?"

"I walked, of course." As he said this, a large teacup appeared in front of Light, who spent a good minute staring at it, before deciding that if it _was_ poisoned, death might actually be a relief to this madness. Two bowls of cream and sugar appeared floating in the air, and Light - to his credit - took the cream without batting an eye. Watching L was enough to make one swear off sugar for good.

"Walked, huh? What happened, did you eat your cake car already?" he asked sarcastically.

"Cake? Oh no, no, no, not cake! _Jam_, Light-kun, _jam_!"

Light spit out his tea, ignoring the furious squeals of Matt, who's game system had just almost become another one of Kira's victims. "_You_!"

"Hello, Light-kun!" B waved. "Are you ready to give me your eyeballs now?"

"_Get away from me, you freak_!" Light backed up fiercely; of course, because he was sitting down, he overbalanced his chair and fell to the ground with a crash. Mello cracked up while B continued talking.

"--kun, because I really, really wouldn't mind taking them! Snip, snip, pluck, pluck, tasty juice for B to suck!"

"_Don't you dare touch me!"_

"I never pegged you as the rapist type, B! No _wonder _you have so many handcuffs!" Mello cackled and Matt, squeaking angrily, retreated into his teacup to finish his game in peace.

"I do not have handcuffs, L has handcuffs, L uses them on B all the time and he's not very gentle, but B's strong, so sometimes B--"

_"I don't want to hear about your sexcapades with L_!" screamed Light, shuffling backwards like a retarded crab. "Just leave me alone!"

"Is _that_ why he sits the way he does?"

"Shut up! Just shut--"

"Light-kun!" And suddenly Light was back in his chair (how did _that _happen?) and B was leaning _very _close to him, still grinning. "Light-kun, do you know what today is?"

"Uh…" Light's stare was fixed on B's hand, which was _still _robotically filling his teacup with spoonful after spoonful of sugar. It was _disgusting_.

"Answer the question, dumb-ass," said Mello, sounding so amused that Light immediately decided he hated the she-male as much as he did B.

"I don't--"

_"Today__!" _B leaned back in his chair and--(_Oh God,_ Light thought, _tell me he's not_)--downed his tea in one gulp, smacking his lips as the cup instantly refilled itself and all Light could think of was all that _sugar_--"Today is Light-kun's Un-Birthday!"

"Hooray!" squeaked the teacup (Matt was probably almost done with his level, if he was forming words now), while Mello grinned unpleasantly.

"Oh yeah_. Yay_._"_

B drank more of his

tea and then set it down. "For Light's Un-Birthday, he will donate his precious eyeballs!"

"What's an Un-Birthday?" Light asked irritably, ignoring the eyeball comment.

"It's uhh…" B stared at Light and groaned. "I don't remember, okay? I just want my eyeballs!" he said eyeing the cup that was refilling itself.

Mello sighed.

"An Un-Birthday is everyday that your birthday isn't on. It's also known as everyday you're aging that leads to your next one."

"Oh, I see." replied Light with fake enthusiasm.

Of course, he _didn't _see, but he didn't want to provoke them into anything, especially anything involving his eyeballs. Speaking of eyeballs... He inched away from B's seat a little bit, before attempting to draw attention away from his eyes.

"So... Matt, was it?" he asked the teacup with the boy in mouse ears hiding inside. A series of half words, half squeaks answered him.

He inched away from him as well, and hoped to god crazy wasn't contagious.

* * *

**Angela:** I apologize again for the wait. But I got lazy with my little slave-er, co-writers, and didn't make them write. X3;;;;;; On the other hand, I hope the length of this makes up for the wait?


	4. And out of Mind

**Angela: **I seriously love Matt(and Near!) in this chapter. x3; Also, anyone wanna do fanart for us? I seriously wanna see what you guys can come up with. Especially for Near, when he shows up. x3;;;

**ShaCha: **_'Here lies poor Shacha; she's quite off her head; wrote too much and keeled o'er, and now she be dead.'_

**ComputerFreak101: **With every review you send, 10 cents will be donated to the CF foundation to buy this sick little writer a Playstation and Guitar Hero 3. Bless your hearts. (GIMME YOUR MONEY!) --**_Angela wishes to inform you that Compy is lying through her teeth because none of us are giving her cash for each review we get. Silly Compy, money is for real writers! x3_**

**We have our first official fanart, done by Bonzai-Bunny. Go look: http: / / i155.photobucket(dot)com/albums/s318/eknova/Bmadhatter(dot)jpg**

* * *

"How is a magpie like a bookshelf? "

"Huh?" Light looked up from where he had been stirring his tea, a little startled by the question arising from B. The madman had been unusually quiet for a few minutes and Light had been taking advantage of the peace in his otherwise quite frantic day, but - "What sort of question is that?"

"It's a riddle, dumb-ass." Mello stole some more chocolate biscuits from a nearby plate, crunching them up in a few bites. Matt squeaked in agreement as he absentmindedly munched on the falling crumbs, having come out of from under the teacup now it looked like nothing was going to be spat his way. "Now answer it already."

"I _know _it's a riddle," Light glared at the blond, not amused, "but shouldn't it be 'why is a raven like a writing desk?' If we're going to plagiarise, we should at least do it correctly."

"Does Light-kun _know_ how a raven is like a writing desk?" B started adding more sugar to a fresh teacup, upending the teapot to try and get some nonexistent liquid out of it - they'd drunk the teapots near them dry.

"Well no, but -"

"_Move along_!" Rather rudely B put a hand in Light's side, pushing the teen out of his seat and onto the floor with a loud _bump_. B then perched in the now empty seat, Mello taking B's old place. Matt remained beside his teacup, immersed in his video games.

Light glared from his newfound position on the ground. "What the hell was that for?!"

"We were all out of tea." B smiled placidly as Light got to his feet, glowering, taking the next empty seat along from the lunatic. "Now if Light-kun would be so kind as to pass the sugar -"

Mello let out a wail, just as Light stretched out for a sugar-bowl levitating _just_ out of reach... "There aren't any more biscuits up here!"

"_Move along_!! " Yet again, Light found a hand in his side, this one sending him hopelessly off-balance and crashing into the tabletop, upsetting tea, biscuits, sugar and jam all over himself. And the tea was _hot_.

Yelping, Light leapt away from the table, tripping and stumbling into the nearest chair -

Which just so happened to be occupied.

B looked utterly _delighted_at the intrusion upon his personal space. "Light-kun has reconsidered giving me his eyeballs then?"

_"No__!"_ Light scrambled out of B's lap and onto the floor, pulling himself up into the nearest chair. "I am _never_ going to give you my eyes, you sadistic _creep_!"

"But Light-kuuuun!" B whined.

"No buts!"

"_What if we run out of jam_?" The very thought made B shudder, and his eyes filled with tears. "Light-kun, we _can't_ run out of jam!"

"Then I'll leave!" Light stood up. "I'll leave right--"

"I'm out of _batteries_!" wailed Matt from inside the teacup.

"Move along!" All depression forgotten, B shoved Light to the next chair, as Matt screamed that he no longer had any reason to live and started beating his mousy head against the teacup he resided in. Mello took him out once the cup began sporting cracks and shook him when Matt tried to hang himself with his own tail.

Mello stared at Matt as if he was losing all the common sense that a mouse could have. "Matt, we don't have time for this," said Mello. "We'll just have to get you more batteries." He was getting this huge headache from the entire situation and he wanted more biscuits now.

'_Thank goodness he forgot about me,'_ Light thought. He'd really rather have as little attention on him as possible.

Matt immediately stopped struggling at the mention of batteries and looked up hopefully. "Batteries?" he squeaked, lifting his goggles from his face. "You have them, yes?"

"Yes, you idiot." Mello set him down and put a pack on the table, and Matt gleefully ripped the pack open and carted two over to his gameboy, inserting them into the back while Mello took a new seat.

Light rolled his eyes at the battery-dependent mouse-boy and his weary biscuit-munching 'manservant', shifting a little in his seat to get more comfortable. When he turned his head to check what B was doing (keeping an eye on some deranged lunatic that wished yank both precious eyeballs out of your head seemed like a good idea) it was to meet the sight of an empty seat. Light frowned - B gone could not be good. At least when the weirdo was _there _Light knew what he was doing - if he was skulking in the shadows he could be doing _anything_ from playing tea-parties with teddy bears to sharping his knife-spoon-cutlery into a hazardous weapon he would later use to impale Light, to stab the brunet through the stomach -_'Okay, now I'm just getting paranoid...'_Light tried to calm himself, drawing up the wonderful composure he was so well-renowned for. Turning back to Mello and Matt to ask if they knew where their lime-bedecked idiot had run off to, Light -"ARGH!"

Light found B perched on the arm of his chair like some overgrown mutant monkey, leering right in his face brandishing a sticky spoon.

"That's _it_!" Light shoved at B, taking great pleasure when the oddball wobbled and hit the floor with a tremendous _thump_. Standing up Light made sure his chair screeched sideways and smacked into the now groaning B - revenge was sweet was it not? - storming out with all the flounce his girly magenta dress afforded him. Rather unnecessarily: "I'm leaving!"

"Well, duh." Mello looked up from where he'd found another plate of biscuits. "You're at the door, aren't you?" Matt was too busy bleeping and blooping, already lost in his game.

Light sniffed and disdainfully left, and slammed the door behind him.

Light stomped away from the tea party, praying to God that he never had to see B or another biscuit ever again.

...That was two hours ago.

Now, Light was - once again - hopelessly lost. Hopelessly lost, still in a dress, and coughing.

"I just _had_ to get lost in a place that's never heard of clean air," he grumbled, eyes starting to water at the heavy smoke that was in the air.

"Clean air is but an antonym to dirty air. Yet air cannot be "dirty"; only "full"; of smoke, of dust, of scents. And since "dirty air" does not exist, it cannot have an antonym. Therefore, your theory, my transvestite traveler, is unfounded."

What. The. Hell. Light looked up, mouth opened to retort, and choked (on both his words and the smoke). A long, anorexic looking caterpillar was perched on a giant leaf above him. While its body was definitely all bug, it had the face of a human; a pale, youthful face with white hair and gray eyes. A long pipe hung from his mouth.

The caterpillar blew smoke rings at Light's face. "Whooooo are _yoooou_?"

"My name is Light. ...And what are you?" He coughed again at the rings being blown at his face. A talking, smoking caterpillar. Wonderful.

The caterpillar-human? Humanillar?- sat back, and blew out more smoke rings. "I am Near."

"Well I certainly wish you weren't," was Light's retort. "Wouldn't you much rather be far? It'd be easier to breathe then."

The bug-boy looked down at him rather imperiously. "My _name_is Near, though since we are so ill-acquainted, you can only call me N."

_Hell no_. Light scowled; he'd had up it to _here_ with people with single letters for names - what was this, some kind of mass conspiracy against him intended solely to annoy? "Do you people have _no_ originality?"

"'Near' is a common name where you come from?" A raised eyebrow, another puff of smoke in Light's face that had the brunet coughing. "...I suppose it must be," Near contemplated, "if someone can name their...'_son_', " (a rather scathing glance to Light's clothes at this point,) "after the applications of a run-of-the-mill household bulb."

Light began internally calculating just how high he'd have to jump to knock Near off of his leaf, and if he could climb up instead to spare himself the indignity.

"Better than a _letter_," growled Light. "Your parents - I supposed they smoked too?"

"How ever did you know?" asked the caterpillar. "So, what are you thinking about doing? I don't suppose you're annoyed with me, are you? Not that I'd care."

"Actually, I was just thinking about how to get out of here. I'm late for something," said Light.

"Late for?" asked Near.

"Late for a _very_ important meeting _away_ from here." Light sighed. This was a very bad time for dealing with more maniacs, after he'd narrowly escaped B asking for his eyeballs yet again. He quickly backtracked, to find another direction.

He returned a few moments later, much to the boy-bug's?- amusement. "I seem to be lost."

Near puffed a little more smoke down at him, somehow curling the wisps into the shape of a giant question mark. "Do you know exactly where it is you're planning to go?"

"...Um..." 'Away from here' wasn't really that specific so - "not really, no."

"Then wherever you go you're always in the place you want to be. Only if you have some destination in mind will you ever reach that destination - otherwise you'll just keep wandering in circles and end up Nowhere at all."

_That...actually makes a weird sort of sense._ Light twitched. The roundabout sanity was possibly even more irritating than the total lack of all sense Light had received from other quarters. "But -"

"If you have no place to go," Near insisted, interrupting him, "when you walk and end up in no place you've fulfilled what you set out to do."

"But I _want_ to go somewhere!"

"Then find somewhere to go."

"How can I '_find_ somewhere' if I don't know where I'm looking for?"

"Simple." Another puff in Light's face, the youth coughing and choking. "You _ask_ someone for the directions."

Light felt like banging his head off of the nearest wall, he really did. Unluckily - or perhaps quite luckily for his braincells -, there appeared to be a distinct shortage of walls and wall-like things in the nearby vicinity. "That's what I'm _trying to do_, you stupid bug!"

Near looked down at him rather stonily. "Being rude will get you Nowhere."

"Since I'm 'Nowhere' _anyway_, what difference will that make?" Light irritably snapped.

"You are indeed misguided." A sniff. "We are not Nowhere but Somewhere, and until that has been established you'll not get very far at all. Nowhere is at least some distance from here."

Light inwardly groaned, sick of the white-haired caterpillar-boy. "Just tell me the quickest way to the nearest lunatic asylum? In _this_ madhouse I might find the sane people there."

"I'm not telling you anything until you give me a rhyme."

"_What?"_

"A _rhyme_," the caterpillar insisted. "You know, those brief little bursts of speech that sound very similar to each other? Usually ending with the same sound, such as b_at_ and c_at_, and toyb_ox _and Xb_ox_, and gender conf_used_, and--"

"Nothing rhymes with that!"

"Tell that to your new appendages."

"My--" Light looked down and groaned. "Good God, what did I do to deserve this?"

"Whatever criminal behavior you've indulged in is no business of mine."

"I _haven't_ indulged in any criminal behavior!" Okay, so that was a lie, but like _hell_ he was about to tell that to a stoned _bug._

"You sound defensive. 70 percent sure that you're--"

"_Stop with the percentages_!"

"Give me the rhyme, I don't have much time."

"..."

"See, it's quite simple. Well, for me, anyway, I have no idea what your mental state is."

"You stupid bug, go to hell, and when you're there, say hi to L!" Light rattled, glaring daggers at Near. "There, you happy!"

"I do not appreciate being told to go to hell," replied Near.

"Just tell me what I want to know," said Light.

Near pretended to think. "I want a more positive rhyme. If you don't give me one, you can't pass."

"That is the _stupidest_ thing I've ever heard. I gave you your rhyme!"

Near shrugged in response. "It was an angry rhyme. I dislike emotional rhymes. Give me a better one."

Light growled, but conceeded defeat if only for the sake of what was left of his poor sanity. He wracked his brain for an appropriate rhyme and, finding none, was forced to make another one up. "As you can see, bug, from way up on your leaf, I'm looking up at you, and I'm standing beneath, I'm lost in this place where all the people are mad, where the outfits are weird and the puns are quite bad. But now I must ask you, there's one thing I must know - if I'm looking for sense, which way must I go?"

Near looked down at him, deeply unimpressed. "That way," he pointed in the direction that was south to Light's current standing, if he took ahead of him to be north.

Light strongly felt like hitting him.

* * *

**Angela: **We totally apologize for taking so long to write these chapters. The next one hopefully won't take as long, but ShaCha is going to Mexico for a while, so it may take even longer, no idea. Enjoy anyway?


	5. Enter the Duchess

**We have more fanart, this time from the lovely HybridSunshine. http: / / www (dot) fanart-central(dot) net/ pic-7116299 (dot) html. So much love, it explodes from me. :D**

**Angela: **More taking forever to update, and we're totally sorry. But ShaCha's back from Mexico this time, and if she goes on another vacation before this story's finished I will personally invite the lot of you to go and beat her up for it. :D

**ShaCha:**If they keep drawing us lovely fanart like that I shall never leave this PC ever again and write all day.

**Angela: **...Start drawing everyone. O: Draw for your lives! ...Or at least draw so she won't go away again before we finish writing this ridiculous story.

**ComputerFreak101: **...So. Here we are. Chapter 5. I am still unpaid. I am still overworked. I still get biscuits shoved down my throat every time I try to put vanilla in my tea. WHY am I still here, you ask? -gnaws on the steering wheel of the cake car- ..I really have no idea. -on nom nom- Really.

**Lerena: **Yay for author notes! I was missed last couple of chapters, but I'm still writing! Lawlz. (Totally Angela's fault. She forgot to ask the last couple of chapters in her excitement to post.)

* * *

Instead of punching Near, Light went on his way, eventually spotting Watari pushing a car made of cake. Again.

He was tired of all this.

Turning, he started to follow the car made of cake, until he remembered that L might notice him, and he'd rather not get sucked into one of L's mind games. For a moment, Light stopped to think about what he preferred: getting lost or being noticed by L.

Eventually, he decided being noticed by L was better than becoming lost, and started to follow him again.

"Oh, Light-kun! Hello again." L gave him one of his annoyingly fake smiles.

"You can continue doing wherever it is you want to do. I just happen to be going in your direction," answered Light.

"If you insist," said L, plucking a cherry from the cake he was still riding in."I like cherries, don't you?"

"Whatev-yes. I do like them," muttered Light, who was entirely uninterested in making conversation. He just wanted to get out of this freakishly insane place and it seemed logical that following L was his best bet for getting out of here. Seeing as he'd gotten 'here' by following the maddening detective in the first place.

"Would you like one?" L offered him the plucked cherry, and Light regarded it suspiciously. L was not one to make such kind gestures often, and when he did there was usually some ulterior motive behind the action. And if there wasn't...well, with how petty L could get as Light kept stubbornly eluding his tricks, he really wouldn't put it past L to poison the fruit.

"No; thank you anyway." Light thought it best to remain polite for now; L seemed to be in a good mood - as testified by his affable shrug at the rejection, wihdrawing the cherry and popping it into his own mouth, stem and all -, and it would be best not to upset that.

"Very well." A muffled reply, L doing that...weird thing again with his mouth and pulling out the cherry stem again - _ew, it was slimy_ -, now knotted. The lunatic detective spat out the cherry stone a few seconds later. "Are you going to the party?"

"If this has anything to do with tea -"

"Tea? Why ever should Light-kun think this has something to with tea?" L actually looked confused. "Does Light-kun not like tea? _Shame_ on him, it's good for the heart. And everyone must take care of their heart with Kira around - _aha_!" That gleam Light had learned to hate appeared in L's black eyes. "Yagami-kun does not care for peoples' hearts, something strongly akin to Kira and _therefore_, Yagami-kun is -"

"I don't care how it may elevate your percentages," Light dourly threatened the rabbit-costumed man in the cake-car before him; "if you link my not being so fond of tea to Kira I'll hit you."

"...Yagami-kun should consider seeking anger management."

"I don't _need_ anger management," L's suspect snapped back, resolve to play nice having cheerfully sailed out of the window sometime before; "I need a punching bag with you stuffed inside of it."

L threw a cherry at him; it bounced off of Light's forehead. "That's not very nice." He sniffed, looking distinctly sulky. "I shan't ask you to come to the party anymore."

"I don't _want_ to go to your stupid party." Light retorted, extremely fed-up.

"No? It's for the Queen -"

"The Queen? _What_ Queen?"

L folded his arms - though not before munching another bit of cake. "...I shan't tell Yagami-kun until he fetches me my gloves."

"...Your _what_?"

L turned and leveled him with a Look. "Light-kun is unfamiliar with the garment?"

"I know what gloves _are_, Ryuuzaki. _Why_ do you want them?"

The look became a stare. "To see the Queen." This took a while to say, as L made it a point to pronounce and draw out every syllable, as if Light were both deaf, retarded, and something else that would be hard to pronounce if they weren't both inhuman geniuses. Ah, Light did love his ego.

"..._Fine_. Where are your gloves?"

"In the trunk."

"In the--" Light blinked at the back of the cake car. Watari had taken a break, slumped against the ground, panting, and without the man blocking it, Light could see bright blue frosting forming a square shape on the back of the car, a large gumdrop where a handle would be. "...Who puts gloves in a trunk?"

"Who pulls off magenta better than any self respecting straight man should?" muttered L.

"What?"

"What?"

"..." Light walked over to the trunk, eyeing it dubiously for a second before grabbing the gumdrop and pulling.

Nothing.

"Harder, Light-kun."

He pulled harder.

"Better, Light-kun."

He pulled _harder_.

"Stronger, Light-kun."

"You forgot "faster"," grumbled Light.

"I was not aware Light-kun memorized the lyrics to a techno song that is robotically erotic."

"WHA--"

The car exploded.

Light had finally gotten the trunk open, and now lay stunned and covered with thick butter-cream frosting a couple feet away from the car, which had exploded in said icing the minute the trunk had popped open, still spilling the contents onto the ground. In the slush, a pair of short cream gloves - nearly perfectly camouflaged in the butter-cream - slipped out and fell to the ground with a small 'plop'. Watari picked up the gloves and handed them to L, who took them in his usual two-fingered manner.

"...Light-kun has ruined my best gloves," he said morosely, pulling them on despite this. "Now I shan't tell him about the Queen." He started pulled on the last glove and started to lick his fingers. "Let us go, Watari. We can't be late."

Watari nodded, resigned, and braced himself against the back of the car, pushing it away again, his entire front covered in the _still_ spilling frosting.

Light, laying there covered in frosting, back to his old outfit but with breasts to match, threw back his head and _screamed_.

"My," a new voice from behind the tormented teenager, "how noisy you are today, Clarissa!"

Light turned, somewhat bewildered at the form of address, his scream dying in his throat somewhat when he saw his - _oh, shit_. That was _Sayu_. "Sa-Sa -" He couldn't get the words out, too mortified to be caught in such a situation with _breasts_.

Sayu ignored his stuttering, daintily lifting her long skirt and stepping through the icing coating the path as though she moved on stepping stones. "And look at this mess you've made! The mistress will be vexed."

Light was too confused to offer protest at having all the blame for the mess heaped upon his head. "...What?"

"The mistress," his little sister patiently repeated, vague exasperation showing on her face, "Don't you think you've kept her waiting long enough? Fie, Clarissa, you'll soon be out of a job if you keep this up!"

"But my name's not -_ow, Sayu_!" Light yelped in a most girly fashion when Sayu pinched his earlobe, dragging her older brother along by the extension until Light stumbled to his feet and followed more quickly of his own accord. When Sayu finally deigned to free him Light rubbed his smarting ear, asking rather sulkily: "Where are we going, anyway?"

"To see the mistress, and wait on her as we are bid."

"And the mistress is-?"

"The mistress, the Duchess, our lady Takada." Sayu looked at her brother weirdly. "Clarissa, are you feeling alright today? You're acting most strangely, and are wearing such odd clothes!"

"I had a run-in with a retarded rabbit," Light offered as his excuse.

Sayu shot him another bemused look, but the two siblings continued silently on their way until a great house loomed in the distance. Thankfully it looked nothing like the home of the tea party before, and so it was Light approached willingly and docilely, completely unprepared for - "_CLARISSA!!_" - for possibly the most painful attack on his eardrums he'd heard in a while. Seriously, _ow_. He didn't think women were capable of actually _screeching_ that high.

"Er -" Light looked up as his doom marched towards him in stiletto heels, and Sayu slunk off into the safety of nowhere. At least he felt somewhat more on par with this female coming towards him - Takada was _besotted_ with him -

"Just where do you think you've _been _Clarissa?!" Takada looked seriously annoyed, a bundle clutched under her arm. "I'm going to be late for the Queen!"

"But Takada, my name isn't -"

"Look after the baby!" The bundle was shoved into Light's arms, Takada already storming past him with all the snobbery she possessed, screaming for some other poor underling to come to her assistance _immediately_.

Utterly confused as to why Takada-and everyone else for that matter- kept calling him Clarissa, Light looked down at the baby in his arms and nearly yelped in surprise. What Takada had been calling a baby was in fact a pig. With glasses. He would have dropped it if he wasn't worried that Takada might come back to take it away again.

...He kind of hoped she would, actually. It was creepy the way the pig stared at him.

Still confused, and now feeling helpless as well, he glanced around, hoping for a glimpse of where his sister'd gone off to. She'd always been better with small children and animals. The pig probably counted as both.

Not finding Sayu outside, Light eventually ventured inside, in the hopes that Sayu would be there. Unfortunately, she wasn't in any of the rooms he looked inside, and he finally came across the kitchen. According to his watch-he was surprised he still had it at this point-, it was lunch time. The pig had started making noises, as if to confirm this idea.

If he was lucky, Sayu would be inside as well.

"Aaaah, I see you've lost the dress. Too bad, it was a good look for you."

Oh _no_.

"Kept the squishies though. Good job!"

Oh, _hell_ no.

"Did you _miss_ me, Light?"

"Like L misses vegetables," growled Light, mentally smacking himself for linking _anything _he said back to L. That, you know, _wasn't_ homicidal.

"Now that's not very nice." Ryuuku was perched on top of a large bookcase to Light's right, his tail swishing back and forth lazily. "After I came all this way just to _see_ you." That grin…Light briefly considered throwing the pig at Ryuuk's face so he didn't have to look at it. It would certainly kill two birds with one stone.

Ryuuk's mouth opened--

"I don't have apples!"

--And closed. The Shinigami pouted, which was honestly one of the most disturbing things Light had ever seen in his life. "Really?" he whined.

"_Really_."

"But it's_ lunch time_!"

"I don't care."

Ryuuku stared.

Light glared.

Ryuuku pouted.

Light cringed.

Ryuuku smiled.

Light had the good sense to back up at step.

"You know…" Ryuuku draped his arm over the edge of the bookshelf, pointing at the bespectacled pig in Light's arms. "You could cook that."

"I can't, I've been charged to take care of it."

"You _would_ be taking care of it! By being slowly roasted over an open fire, you'd give its life new meaning! A purpose!"

"_How_?"

"The apple in its mouth would go to feed the starving shinigami of the world!" Ryuuku pointed to himself. "That's me."

"Forget it, I'm not roasting this pig just so you can have an apple."

"Why _not_?" Ryuuk's voice had taken on the tone of a toy deprived toddler.

"Because animal cruelty is wrong." The pig blinked and looked up at Light.

"It's not cruelty if you cook it! Humans do it all the time!"

"Well, most humans don't have a very strong concept of justice." The pig's eyes widened at the word "justice".

"_How is cooking a _pig_ unjust_?"

"It isn't, but _this_ pig is Mist--_Takada's_baby. And killing a baby is murder. Murder is unjust. Add your suggestion to the mix and I've committed cannibalism on top of first degree murder. And believe it or not, Ryuuku, killing and eating humans are frowned upon in most societies."

The pig was now staring up at Light with something akin to worship, it's eyes shining with every justice-filled word Light preached.

"Screw society, I'm hungry!"

"Unjust," sang Light, thoroughly enjoying tormenting Ryuuku and completely oblivious to the madly-falling-in-love pig, er, baby.

"_Unjust_? …Fine." Ryuuku sniffed, looking pointedly away from Light. "Maybe it's a good thing you're not going to see the Queen."

"The Queen? You know her?"

"Who _doesn't_ know her, she's the Queen."

"Who _is_ she?"

"The--"

"_I know she's the Queen_!" Light ignored the pig's squeal at his sudden shout. "First L, now you! Stop talking in riddles and tell me who the damn Queen is, and where I can find her!"

"How to find the Queen?"

"Yes!"

"Oh, well that's easy."

Light waited.

"Go left."

He would have facepalmed if he hadn't been holding a pig baby. Instead, he turned on his heel and left the kitchen.


	6. To Court, Lightkun!

**Angela: **I fear Compy has died recently. ;; It's all very saddening. Death by pot roast and what not.

**ComputerFreak101:**-eaten by her pot roast-

**ShaCha: **To our mad Compy, a dear friend

We'll raise up a toast

She went quite right the bend

Then got ate by her roast.

**Lerena: **xDD

**Yet more fanart, this time from Arnold the PygmyPuff: http: / /akanikoto(dot)deviantart(dot)com / art / Why-96954257**

* * *

Baby pig clutched under one arm in a way that most western cultures would deem child abuse if the oink-ling were actually human, Light stormed from the kitchen, following the only simple instructions he'd received all day in whatever madhouse he was stuck in. It was quite galling they'd come from _Ryuuku _of all peo-shini-feli-_things_, and Light was in a distinctive huff as he went left as bid. (It was almost a pity he was still in trousers at that point; had he had his dress on he would've done his sulk-stalk with much more of a flounce.)

Left, left, left - Light kept going left, although logic would hold that if you kept going left long enough you would've went in a circle. Due to the somewhat contrary nature of the place he was in, Light's feet informed him he'd just went in a dodecahedron, but when he got back to his point of origin there was a giant almighty _door_ just sitting in the middle of nowhere looking too innocent for its own good.

Light, tempering the sudden rage against the inanimate object - and really, that day it was becoming quite a habit for him (why on earth was the door that rude that it made him _walk _all the way around the dodecahedron before showing up? It was really _quite_ rude) - decided instead of kicking the wood down he'd just go through it. So he did, and the little spectacles-bedecked pig underarm expressed oinky agreement in the higher moral ground against not reducing a certain barrier placed behind them now into a pile of charred toothpicks.

Through the door was a garden. Green, lush, bordered by those irritating little picture-perfect hedges that you cut into weird shapes for 'decorative purposes'. Pathways ran here and there, spilling in and out of emerald arches, and Light took one look at the tranquil scene before promptly turning about-face to try and claw his way back to Ryuuku.

The door was gone.

Nothing but an almighty rose bush met Light's horrified eyes, a bush full of stinky white roses that matched all the other sickeningly feminine flowers choking the garden. Seriously, the place _reeked_ of flowers.

Light turned in a slow circle, looking for another door. Dear _god_ he wanted another door!

Instead, he spotted B and Mello (hadn't he left them behind _ages_ ago?) painting the white roses on a bush to his left.

He had to admit he was curious and, setting the pig down, started over to see why they were painting _roses_ of all things.

"B and you're Mello, right? What the hell are you doing?"

"Painting the roses red."

"...Why? They're white roses-"

"No, no. They're red. Red roses, that's what the Queen asked for. So they're not white, you see."

"But they _are_ white."

B frowned at him. "We're painting the roses red, Light-kun. These are red roses."

"Paint or no paint, they're still white!"

B turned back to the roses, and Mello turned to Light. Then promptly swiped a paint-laden brush across his face. "The roses are red! Not blue or green or aquamarine. _Red_ roses for the Queen."

Light sputtered, hands flying to his now paint covered face. "Don't paint my face!"

"Not your face, Light-kun. Roses."

Wiping his face on his sleeve, Light scowled. "They're still white."

Mello brandished the paintbrush again and Light hastily stepped back in time to hear "Make way for the Queen!" as Misa arrived.

She stalked imperiously over to Mello and B to observe the roses. _"Excuse_ me? Why aren't _all_ these roses red?"

"Well, the thing is, my Queen, we have to paint them," said Mello.

The queen stared with barely concealed rage. _"I sentence you both to a beheading!"_she said loudly. "Oh, hello there Light-kun!"

"Uh, hi Misa," said Light.

"You should witness Mello's and B's beheading," she insisted.

Well, I have do nothing better to do," Light muttered.

"Then it's a date!"

_"What?_ Have mercy, my Queen. We're trying very hard to change these roses to red!" B interrupted.

"Not hard enough, I'm afraid!" Misa replied harshly. "You're both being beheaded and that's that!"

"Why are you going to behead them for planting the wrong roses anyway?" asked Light.

"It's simple Light-kun. I plainly asked them to plant _red_ roses, _not_ white roses. They don't listen, so of course their heads shall roll."

She was going to behead someone…for not painting the roses red. For not painting _white_ roses _red_.

It was disturbing, it was crazy, and so very, very _Misa_.

Still though…He glanced at Mello, who was white and shaking (with rage) and B, who was whimpering about all the eyeballs he'd never get to eat, and decided that - just this once - Misa's judgment was the right one. He tried to look sympathetic when Mello glared at him. It didn't work.

"Come, Light!" cried Misa imperiously, the royal and haughty tone ruined by her childish actions of grabbing Lights arm and tugging him after her, smothering giggles. "You can't miss your own date!"

"Wouldn't dream of it," he muttered, watching as two guards grabbed (the now screaming and swearing) Mello and (the still depressed) B. "Um, Misa, what're you--"

"I hope you like croquet, Light!"

"I--what?"

"Croquet! A lovely game of croquet after a beheading, isn't it romantic?"

"_Croquet_? Misa, you--"

_"Jack!__"_

"Do you even know how--"

"Bring the scythes!"

"_Scythes_?"

Misa ignored Light's somewhat incredulous yell - and it wasn't a girly shriek, oh no, because Light simply did not _do _girly (discounting of course his flamboyant taste in clothes, and various appendages that appeared and disappeared on his chest with a whim entirely of their own) -, all but skipping along, her arm linked with her 'boyfriend's'.

"What do we need _scythes_ for?"

"Why, to play croquet of course." Misa blinked her blue eyes - an act Light supposed was meant to make her look coy but really only gave her a somewhat confused air. "Has Light never played croquet before? Misa-Misa would be glad to give him private lessons!"

"That's alright Misa, I -"

"Does Light not _want _to play croquet with Misa-Misa?" The blonde looked forlorn, and the pause was long enough for Light to hear B and Mello squalling in the background as they were dragged away by guards ("Not my hair, damn it! Stop pulling my hair!" "Well if you didn't have such girly hair -" "I do _not _have girly hair!" "...Do they have eyeballs in prison?" "Er -")

"...I'll play." It wasn't as if Light had anything better to do.

"Yay!" Misa let out one of those happy squeals her companion oh-so-detested before dragging the poor gender-confused male off with even faster speed. "Light can help me choose my dress!"

Light shook his head. "Dress? You never said anything about -"

"Misa-Misa has to look good for Light! Misa needs to wear her croquet dress!"

"...You have a dress for _croquet_?"

A fervent nod from Misa. "It has hearts on it!"

Very slowly, Light raked a glance across the clothes the woman beside him was wearing, amber eyes taking in the Lolita red and black, netting, velvet and lace with little sparkly silver chains looped here and there for good measure. Misa had hearts on her tiara, hearts on her skirt, hearts on the tight bodice she wore around her chest. "...Right."

Misa beamed, missing the 'well, _no_' sarcasm in Light's words. "Would Light like to borrow a dress as well?"

"I wou-_what?" _He stared at her for a few seconds. "No. No, I do not want a dress._ Why _would you even_ ask _that?"

"Well, since Light has breasts..."

Light looked down at his chest and the awful reminder of the fact that he did indeed have breasts. They seemed to disappear and reappear at will much to his dismay. "Well, Misa, I didn't put them there." he replied. "They came here on their ow-"

"Oh, Light, playing croquet with you shall be very fun." Misa interrupted dreamily. "Now, what were you saying?"

"Never mind," Light muttered.

Misa waved a hand, and turned to the Jack, who had come running, his mouth full of scythes. Light stared at the pig he'd set down before for a moment, before turning to Misa.

"The Jack is a pig?" he asked, disbelieving.

"Of course Light-kun!"

"_Why_?"

"Why not?"

"I-You know what? Never mind. Let's just play."

"Yay!" Misa grabbed what was noticeably _her _scythe from the pig-Jack - its elaborate golden sparkles could be stood by no-one else, and really, no self-respecting male wanted a _golden scythe wrapped with red roses_ and most females would probably baulk at it too -, shoving another battered-looking old thing at Light.

"Hey, watch it!"

"Light-kun?" A confused bat of the mascara-ed lashes.

"This thing's sharp - you could have taken my head off throwing it at me like that!" And Light _really _didn't fancy a close trim anytime soon, thank you very much. His luscious locks were quite happy right where they were.

"Oh," Misa breathed, expression suddenly becoming starry-eyed. "That would be _wonderful_." (Light began edging away from her, his own face somewhat disturbed.) "Then Misa could keep part of her Light beside her at all times, and she could stare into Light's eyes all _day_ -"

Light edged away so far he collided with a wall of guards, the men glaring at him, clearly insulted he was trying to do the proverbial runner from their beloved Queen.

"Misa," finding there was nowhere he could run to, Light tried to appeal to the other's logic. "If you had my head I'd be dead."

"...Oh." Another blink. (The action was beginning to get irritating.) "Misa-Misa wouldn't want that." Her 'boyfriend' breathed a sigh of relief. "Can we play croquet now?" While they'd been talking servants had been setting up a massive green before them, driving little hoops into the ground. "We have everything but the ball - BRING OUT THE BALL!" The woman's voice slid to a sudden screech - Light winced.

From nowhere _more _servants appeared - really, they were like ants -, carrying a clearly struggling, squirming little squeaky thing about five inches high. This they brought to Misa for inspection and Light, curious, ogled it too.

It...well, it was rather ugly. Skinny, with a weird rounded head and what looked like a minute beak, dressed in tattered rags.

'_What _is_ that_?' Light found himself staring. If he didn't know any better, he could swear that was a shini-

"Sidoh," Misa was scolding the struggling pipsqueak, "if you don't behave I shall have to have your head cut off. You wouldn't like that, would you?" A furious shaking of the squeaky thing's head. "Thought not. Do you promise to behave?" Fervent nodding. "Good." The squeaky thing was placed on the ground, where it promptly rolled up into a ball. Misa smiled dazzlingly at Light. "Let's play!"

Light, knowing the basic concept of croquet but having never played it, stepped back. "Ladies first," he said with an awkward bow. The Queen of Hearts squealed and rushed over to Sidoh, her scythe raised high. Light backed away, not wanting another close call with the golden blade. Misa brought the scythe down and wiggled it a bit, bent over dramatically with her butt swishing in the air, looking like a very overdramatic golfer. Light resisted the urge to roll his eyes. He couldn't help but wince, however, when Misa abruptly swung the scythe high and _smashed_ it against Sidoh, sending him flying through the air with a pained squeal across the green. Arches jumped out of the ground, bending and twisting and jumping so that Sidoh flew through every one of them, before smashing into a nearby tree and curling up into a whimpering ball on the ground.

Light could only stare as the crowd cheered, and Misa curtsied and waved and hugged her scythe, oblivious (or ignoring) the blatant cheating that had just happened. Misa turned to Light, all smiles. "Your turn, Light-kun! SIDOH!" Squeaking, the wretched ball flew back to Light and Misa, curling back into a shaking ball at Light's feet. Sighing, Light lined up his scythe next to Sidoh, praying he didn't accidentally slice off his legs in the process. Ignoring Misa's cheers and Sidoh's whimpers, Light drew the scythe back and hit Sidoh, this time with considerably less force. The ball flew forward anyway, and the arches bent and twisted and jumped _out_ of the way, so Sidoh missed every one before, once again, slamming into the same tree, a red rose falling to the ground from the impact. Light gaped as the crowd laughed and Misa tut-tutted sympathetically through a very triumphant grin.

"Misa's turn, Misa's turn!" The girl ran forward as Sidoh limped back, returned to her overly exaggerated golfer pose. But this time, her butt wasn't the only thing facing Light.

"Hello Light!" crowed Ryuuku. "I'm surprised, I thought you were only of those brainy, athletic types." Light, for the hundredth time since arriving in this world, _stared_ as Ryuuku sat on Misa's butt, grinning up at him. This time, though, the Shinigami was really a cat, all black fur with blue stripes, his chains and belt still attached to his body, and the Death Note swung from his tail. Cat Ryuuku grinned wider at Light's horrified shock, and ruffled his, now furry, wings. "Whaddya think? I just got groomed."

"…You have got to be the ugliest thing I have ever seen," said Light truthfully.

"Beg your pardon, Light-_chan_?"

The dress was _back_.

Light twitched. "I said you're the _ugliest_ thing I have ever seen!"

"_What_!" Light froze as Misa whirled around, glaring at him. "What did you just say?!"

"I--I wasn't talking to you! I was talking to Ryuuku!"

"_Who_?"

"The Shiniga--the cat--the _thing_ on your--" But Ryuuku vanished as Misa whirled around, looking for him. The Shinigami appeared on her head, cackling. "Oooh, she's _angry_. This is so much fun, Light." Ryuuku grinned as Misa resumed glaring at Light. "I bet we could make her _really_ angry."

"No, don't!"

"Don't _what_, Light-kun?" snapped Misa.

"Not you, Ryuu--"

But the cat disappeared, this time down Misa's dress. The Queen shrieked as Ryuuku moved about inside her bodice, jumping up and down and flailing, her face turning bright red as Light and her servants could only stare in horror as Ryuuku zigged and zagged his way down her dress, finally bursting out the front to grab the ends of her dress and fly upwards, bringing Misa's skirts all the way over her head to reveal a lacy thong with hearts all over it. Light averted his gaze in favor to death glare Ryuuku as he soared away, barely keeping afloat with all his laughter. Light was about to scream at the demon when Misa cut him off.

"_Off with his head_!" she screeched, pointing at Light.

"What?!" was all Light could get out before the guards seized him. "Misa, I didn't do this!"

"You _humiliated_ me, Light! You called me ugly! And worst of all, _you made me lose the game_!"

"_That's_ all you care about?"

"_I thought you loved me_!"

"Misa, listen--"

"Your Majesty." The pig-Jack-now-turned-human appeared by Misa's side, smoothing out her dress and speaking with deliberate calmness. "My Queen, before we cut off his head, don't you think he deserves a trial?"

"_Trial_? To hell with a trial! Off with his head! Those are my orders!"

"But your Majesty, everyone's entitled to a fair trial. Please, just a small one? Just so you can say you gave your beloved Light a _chance_ to live?"

Misa paused and seemed to think it over, while Light was torn between nodding fervently and hugging the pig-man to death.

"…Fine. Light-kun, I'm taking you to court!"

* * *

Enjoy. :D


	7. High Court, High Tea

**Angela: **I _am _a MisaxMatt fan alongside my MattxMatsuda OTP-ness, for those of you who are curious. I like the crack. :D

**ComputerFreak101: **I would like to formally apologize, as most of this chapter's lateness is because of me, and my Completely Forgot What The Heck Happens Next mindset for Alice. That being said...do not play croquet, do not yell at Ryuuk, and do not bring confectionary items to court. It _will_ come back to bite you.

**ShaCha:** Ha, it's not my fault it's late this time!

**Lerena:** This is an author note. Since this is an author note, I demand that you pay attention to it. D: Anyway, this is chapter 7. Hope I improved.

**Angela/Compy are running a Death Note OneShot Contest. Anyone interested in joining the Death Note OneShot Contest can find the signup and information in Angela's forum.**

* * *

Ten minutes and a hundred servants carrying benches and three podiums later, Light was standing bewildered in front of Misa, Matt (the kid with the mouse ears and gameboy _was_ named Matt, right?) and what was either a studio audience or a _horrible _attempt at a jury.

Misa snatched the gameboy from the boy's hands and slammed it against her podium four times as her companion cried out at her treatment of his toy. "Order! _Order in my court!"_she screeched, and the chattering of the 'jury' died instantly. "You, Light-kun, are charged with humiliating the queen, calling her _ugly_, and worst of all, making her lose the game! Do you plead guilty or guilty?"

"What? I plead innocent!"

"That wasn't an option! Guilty or guilty are your choices, now pick one!"

"But-!"

"My Queen, perhaps he needs a lawyer?" Matt suggested, his hand snaking forward to pluck the gameboy from her hand. He was thwarted however when she slammed the gameboy again and pointed.

"Jack! Jack, you shall be Light-kun's lawyer! Now, Light-kun, are you guilty or guilty?"

"Your Majesty!" This was from the Jack, striding forwards to stand beside Light, adjusting his glasses so as to look suitably impressive. "That is an entirely unfair offer to the accused, circumventing the judicial system you were put at such pains to organise."

"...Huh?" Misa looked confused.

Light took pity on his lawyer, muttering a quick - "Try to keep it to words of two syllables or less?"

"Er-" The Jack nodded once, before turning back to the rest of the sham of a court, "Your Majesty, the defenda -" more baffled looks, "...Light says he didn't do it."

"I object!" Misa slammed the gameboy down once more, and Matt let out a low whine in the back of his throat.

"You _can't_ object!" Light insisted angrily. "You're the judge! You're meant to be impartial!"

Misa scowled, turning to her Jack. "Is this true?"

The man nodded. "Yes, your Majesty. Only the prosecuting lawyer can object to my words."

_Another _bang of the abused gameboy, the device making an audible _crack _noise. "Then Misa-Misa shall be the prosecuting lawyer too!" Matt buried his head in his hands.

"_What_!" Light yelled. "You can't _do_ that!"

"Yes I can!"

"No you can't!"

"Yes I can, can, _can_!"

"No you _can't_!"

Misa stamped her foot. "Yes I _can_ and now somebody cut off his head!" She pointed to Light. "Now, now, _now_!!" The young woman was throwing an all-out temper tantrum in Court. "I demand Light-kun's head be cut off _now_!"

"_Misa_-!" Guards snatched at Light's arms. "Let go of me you-"

The Jack cut in once more. "Your _Highness_, I really must protest-!"

Misa got him in her sights. "And cut off _his_ head too!" Guards grabbed the poor lawyer. "_I object to his head still being on his shoulders_!"

Light was dragged forward to stand beside his failing defense. The Jack was spluttering protest after protest to the ones holding him but all Light could ask when drawing level was: "...So is your name really Jack?"

"...Mikami." His lawyer offered him after a few more minutes ranting at the guards, alongside a tentative smile -

"Don't you _dare _smile at my Light-kun!" The harpy from hell had arrived, Misa diving in with painted claws outstretched, outright _snarling _as she got between Mikami and Light. "He's _mine!"_

"Your Majesty-"

"_Mine_!" Misa insisted.

"...Then why are you cutting his head off?" The weary question floated down from the throne, Matt sitting cradling his beloved - broken - gameboy to his chest.

"Uh..." the Queen visibly floundered.

"You'll cry tomorrow if you killed him without a fair tri-_al_..." The King was wheedling - clearly, he only wanted Light around to distract his psychotic wife.

"_Fine_!" Misa stormed back to her seat with a sudden flounce. "But I'm trying the Jack!"

"...Can I get a new gameboy first?"

"No!" said Misa. "You absolutely cannot get a new gameboy!" Matt stared at her unhappily.

"Please, my Queen?" he pleaded.

"I said no!" Misa glared at Matt.

"Y-you broke my other one!" he stammered.

"What of it?" Misa asked obnoxiously.

"Well...it just doesn't make any sense to not let me get another one."

"Are you lecturing me?" she asked again. Matt's eyes widened in horror.

"No, no, of course not!"

"Then stop complaining and let me do things my way!"

"Yes, my Queen," he whimpered, half to himself as she'd already stopped paying attention to the poor King.

"Now, back to what I was doing. Jack, are you guilty or very guilty of speaking rudely to your Queen?"

The Jack shifted nervously. "I did, Your Highness, but--"

"Then that's that! Take him to get his head cut off!"

"What?!" yelped Mikami. "This is abuse! _Abuse_!" The guards tightened their grip on his arms and started to drag him away.

"_Silence_. I will not have you talking back to me!" Misa smiled with delight at winning another trial, before turning to Light. Light, who had been entertaining the wild (and futile) thought of escape, cringed under her stare, which managed to be both adoring and murderous at the same time.

"Sorry to keep you waiting, Light-kun. Time for _your_ trial now," said the Model-Turned-Queen, in a much better mood now that an innocent was being unjustly murdered at her command. "Oh, but now you need a new lawyer."

"Allow me, your Majesty." All heads turned to see L standing in the doorway, staring at an over sized pocket watch in his blue-gloved hand. "I have time for one case before I go off to prove to the world that Kira is--" He looked up. "Oh, never mind then. "He's already here."

"I AM NOT K--"

"Silence, Light-kun! Ryuuzaki, go ahead."

"The prisoner at the bar is charged with murdering hundreds of thousands of criminals in cold blood, using human beings as lab rats, manipulation--"

"Hey!"

L continued through Light's protests. "Hacking into private government files, loitering, not liking cake--"

"Ryuuzaki!"

"Over excessive use of dramatic potato chip eating--"

"_Shut up_!" Surprisingly, it was not Light who finally lost it, but Misa, who glared daggers at the impassive detective. "Who cares about all that? Get to the part about me!"

"And calling Misa-san ugly." The Queen wailed in shame as the jury glared at Light.

"_Off with his head!"_

"What about the verdict!" protested Light.

"Sentence first, then verdict!"

"That's not right!"

"_It's my way or no way!_" screeched Misa, slamming Matt's broken Gameboy on the stand hard enough to make it shatter completely. Matt made a choking sound in the back of his throat.

"Your Majesty," cut in L, pulling a lollipop out of his pocket and unwrapping it. "I do have witnesses."

"So?"

"So you must hear them before executing Yagami-kun. Plus, Mikami as somehow pulled an over-dramatic suicide with a pen, so the execution grounds needs to be cleaned."

"Ah." Misa drew herself up in her seat, waving regally at L. "Very well, proceed."

"My first witness is the March Hare." L was barely heard though, as Mello was dragged in kicking and screaming and cussing at the guards. He was bleeding, having just about to have been executed before he received his court summons. The executioner had been so startled by L randomly appearing behind him that he dropped his axe and nearly sliced off Mello's ear.

"Mello, I can't have you as a witness if you cannot be calm and impartial."

"I nearly _died_!" fumed Mello.

"It's your own fault," huffed Misa.

"Mello." L stepped in front of the blond before he could scream at Misa and get them all killed. "Mello, do you remember the events that took place during the croquet match this afternoon?"

"Huh? Course not, I was being carried off to _die_, remember?"

"Write that down!" squealed Misa. "It's important evidence!" Light dearly wanted to face palm.

"So, Mello, you were _not_ at the croquet match?"

"No."

"You did not see the Queen publicly humiliated?"

"Sadly."

"OFF WITH HIS--"

"Is Light Yagami Kira?"

"Oh yeah."

"You don't even know me!" cried Light.

"If L says you're Kira, you're Kira."

"I am _not_--"

"Eighty-two percent."

"Listen you diabetic, anorexic, insane little shoe-phobic--"

"My next witness is the Mad Hatter!"

"_No!_"

"Oh _yes_, Kira-kun." L nodded sagely as a familiar - and quite loathed - green-hatted figure waltzed into the courtroom.

"I told you before - I'm _not_ Kira!"

Mello, still in the room, couldn't resist piping up: "But _L_ says -"

"I don't _care_ what L -"

"Light-kunnnn!" A heavy lump jumped up to the defence box, attaching itself to the one on trial with a psychotic smile and teeth all a-glitter. he words were a sing-song trill. "Your eyes look as lovely as ever."

Light stared at B in his arms in absolute horror for a few seconds, frozen in disgust, anger, _fear_ and then -

"_Get it off of me_!"

B was delighted. "Light-kun, Light-kun, _Light-kunnn_."

"Get him off of me, _now_!" Light was out-and-out shrieking, dancing around his box trying to get the other off of him. B clung on to him like a limpet, singing some random song about eyeballs that sounded _entirely_ too cheerful for the wailing Light.

"Get it off, get it off, get it _off_!"

Misa was incensed, banging the gameboy bits for all they were worth. (Matt, beyond all despair was whacking his head off the arm of his throne, sobbing something while a sympathetic floppy-eared blond rabbit petted him consolingly on the shoulder.) "_Stop molesting my Light-kun!_" One manicured finger was pointed at B. "I _demand_ that man be removed at once!"

"B..." L woefully decided to comply with the batty Queen's wishes. It was such a pity...he'd been enjoying watching his suspect have a mental breakdown on the stand. "B, will you please stop molesting the accused?"

"At _once_!" Misa stamped her foot.

"But - but -" B looked pathetic, slowly untangling himself from Light and slinking to the corner of the box, "I wanted his _eyeballs_."

"They're _my _eyeballs!" Misa fumed. "Light-kun is _my_ boyfriend so everything about him belongs to me!"

B looked quite depressed about this. "...Can we have some jam instead then?" Light furiously pushed him out of the box at that, and B hit the floor with a thump. "I need jam!"

"Is this true?" Misa asked, rounding on L once more.

Another nod from the black-haired sweet-consuming mop. "The witness cannot proceed without jam."

"And tea!" B insisted from the floor, waving one scrawny hand in the air. "Sugar and tea!"

Matt raised his head from the abused throne to ask hopefully: "And can I get a new gameboy?"

Misa didn't even bother looking at him. "No!"

Matt slumped once more, and went back to killing as many of his brain cells as possible. Misa pointed at a random juror.

"Bring the jam!"

The juror ran off hastily.

"And sugar with tea!" B added.

"Shut up, witness!" snapped Misa. He promptly shut up, still on the floor.

Misa was stamping her foot rather impatiently when the juror returned.

"You took too long!" she declared, glaring at the poor man. "Well, hurry up and give him his jam and tea!" The poor man gave B the jam and tea and hurried back to his seat and slumped down in the hopes that Misa wouldn't notice him anymore.

B looked pleased as he began to dump jam into his sugar and tea. "Shall we break for tea?" he asked, looking up. Misa looked thoughtful, and turned to L.

"Rabbit, what's the time?"

L opened his pocket watch and eyed it before snapping it shut and putting it away. "It's tea time by my clock, Your Highness."

This was followed by choruses of "Tea time! It's time for tea!" from the jurors, and Light's jaw went slack as everyone began to pull cups of tea from various places.

"But my trial!"

"No time for a trial, Light-kun. It's time for tea."

"But-!"

"Have some tea."

"Don't forget the jam!" B added, dumping a spoonful into Light's tea, amongst the teenager's protests.

Light gave up for the moment and slumped in his seat, accepting the tea from L. '_When in Rome...'_


	8. And Do It All Again!

**Angela: **Two people are at fault for this one being so late. Compy because she keeps not giving me her sections, and myself because my internet decided to go AWOL for a week and I wasn't able to get on to poke and prod her for her sections. I apologize for both of us.

**ComputerFreak101:** -busy remodeling her room-

**ShaCha: **I finished ittttt, and I so very much want a pet Light to dress up and cuddle right now. ;3 Or cake...but alas, I have neither golden pretty boy or cake.... Kelpy should give me cake.

**Lerena: **Yet another chapter. Misa's fun. x3

**Angela: **-gives out cake to everyone- And I'm sure you'll all love this one. x3

**ShaCha: **THE CAKE IS A LIE! DX

* * *

To Light's credit, he actually tried a little of the jam-infested tea he'd been offered, but pulled a face rather promptly and deemed it utterly disgusting, pouring the gloopy mess onto the brim of the oblivious B's hat. The eyeball-obsessed psychopath never noticed, and so Light stood rather sulkily by as the rest of the court happily ignored him, having their tea break during his trial (not that Light wanted to be tried anytime soon, of course, but a little attention would be nice. He had a decent-sized ego to feed, after all).

Light sighed, crossing his arms over his chest – relieved of course that his chest was currently very much _flat_ – and glowering at everyone else around him. L, panda-monkey-rabbit detective that he was, was perched on a bench to the side, slurping tea with a horrible wet noise with one hand and using the other limb to shovel cake into his mouth between slurps. Mello was occupied in consoling the still-distraught Matt; Matt was…apparently attempting to hang himself using his ceremonial robes, and Misa was cheerily ignoring him, daintily sipping tea as she sat on her throne.

B…

Light's head whipped around so fast he almost gave himself whiplash. Damn. Where was B?

Losing a lunatic who had designs for your demise was...not a good thing.

"My, my, Light…so your wicked ways of wickedness have led you here before the Wicked Witch herself? Oh wait, wrong story…"

Light froze and stared at the arrival of the one thing that may be worse than B (and he was _very_ hesitant to admit that). Ryuuku was sprawled on Misa's head like a gangly black and blue hat, grinning at Light while Misa and the rest of the court drank tea, oblivious.

"What's with all the tea, anyway?" the Shinigami Cat asked, wrinkling his nose at the court. "I thought you were all Japanese, not British."

"Y--you…"

"Think they have apple tea?"

"_This is all your fault_!" yelled Light, pointing at Ryuuku.

"Light-kun…?" Light jabbed his finger forward again.

"Misa! On your head, it's Ryuuku! He's the one that caused all of this, not me!"

"Oh my, it seems Kira has finally lost it…"

"Wha…? I didn't cause anything!"

"I say we subdue him. Heh heh heh…"

"Yes, you did, you're the reason I'm facing death!"

"Now, Mello, put down the mallet…"

"Well maybe if you played Mario Kart with me more often!" wailed Ryuuku, switching from playful to dramatic (though with Ryuuku, the words could very well be synonyms).

"What does video games have to do with this?!"

"VIDEO GAMES!" With that anguished shriek, Matt threw himself onto Misa, his suicidal urges transformed into a need to die avenging his fallen game console. The model screamed, flailing her arms and falling off her chair in the process.

"Stop it, stop it, get him _off_ of me!"

"Matt, please calm down," deadpanned L.

"KILLKILLKILLKILLKILL---"

"I know what to do!" Before Light could register despair at the new voice, B appeared out of nowhere, throwing his jam jar at the feuding royals. The jar beaned Matt in the head and smashed open, splattering Misa and everyone else with jam. Light could only wonder what kind of explosives were rigged in the thing before B turned him and L, grinning.

"Jam solves everything."

"Indeed." L returned to his cake.

Light merely watched, as one might a car crash, as Matt continued to claw at Misa's jam soaked face and dress, and Mello, determined to release some pent up rage against the Queen and still holding his mallet, smashed it down into the fray, knocking Matt off Misa but effectively smacking her Highness upside the head.

"OFF WITH HIS HEAD! OFF WITH HIS HEAD!"

"I agree!" cried Mello. He tossed the mallet down, and Light could only catch it with a sense of growing horror before Misa wiped the jam out of her eyes and zeroed in on Light. Poor mallet holding, jam covered Light.

There was dead silence in the courtroom. Then…

"Since you're going to die anyway…May I have your eyeballs?"

Light ran, ignoring B. He wasn't really all that appalled that B would ask such a question at this point, but he wouldn't satisfy him with an answer.

"_Enough_! Off with Light-kun's head! _Off with his head! I said off with it now_!" she pointed in his direction. When the guards hesitated, she screamed and stood up. "_Listen to your queen_!"

"He ran away..." said a guard.

"_After him_!"

The guards looked at each other and shrugged, but they chased after Light.

Light sped up when he realized the guards were following him.

They made a terrific din considering they were only made out of paper, helmets and armour jingling and jangling upon their sheet-thin frames as they pursued their fleeing suspect. Light thought he could hear B's shrieking laughter in the background, but the brunet didn't dare look back in case he tripped over his own feet and went sprawling – he had to look where he was going, trying to go as quickly down the hill he'd chosen as his escape route as possible without stumbling and breaking his neck.

_"Catch that cake!"_

…_Eh_?

Despite himself, Light couldn't help but shoot a confused glance over his shoulder, suddenly thankful that he'd chosen to do so when it gave him enough warning to dive out of the way of the runaway cake-car that rumbled past him at breakneck speeds down the embankment, a terrified Matt and a jubilant Mello clutching to the vehicle for dear life (the blond passenger having snatched off his bunny ears and flung them up into the air crying something about eloping to Kansas).

"What….?" Light stared after the rapidly receding car, the rumbling gradually dying down, but the wailing behind –

_"They stole my _cake!" L, mop-haired, shoe-phobic, cake-and-Kira-obsessed (in that order) L, looked deeply, grievously, and most pointedly traumatized. L without cake was _not a happy white bunny_.

B, slouching at his predecessor's side, removed the jam-covered finger he'd been sucking on in his mouth, holding the moist digit up into the breeze to air his theory. An appropriate silence fell for the surely genius revelation - even the jingling cards falling still for a moment in reverence. "…This is all Yagami-kun's fault."

"_What_?!" Light screeched, and for one horrible instant he thought himself in female-mode once more, the pitch he'd hit had been that high –  
"Or should I say Yagami-_chan_?" B tilted his head to one side, the green hat he was wearing tilting also – And all that lovely, sugar-infested, jam-laden gloop that B had tried to pass off as tea, and that Light had dumped on the other's clothing in utter disgust, slid straight off the hat's brim and down onto the shorter Misa at the other's side with a gloriously satisfying '_plop_'. Light was off and running once more before the psychotic Queen's lipstick-painted lips had even finished opening to shriek for Light's imminent demise.

"_Get him_!"

The jingling of the card guards resumed once more, now joined by the banshee howling of a cake-deprived L, the delighted cackling of a _completely_ screwed-up B, and the wailings of an utterly distraught Misa.

Light, running for his life, limbs and quite gorgeous head of hair, invariably had to screw up somehow. It was simply fate. Fleeing for the very existence of his perfect self upon the face of the earth down a hill he of course put a foot down wrong, twisting his ankle and then –

_Smack_.

...

...

...

...

"Light-kun?"

...

"Liiiight-kun?"

...

"Light-kun, if you do not open your eyes presently I am going to call Watari and have you removed to confinement once more, as you are currently hindering the Kira Investigation by deliberately inconveniencing its head detective." A thoughtful pause. "And stopping him getting cake."

...

_'Uh…?_'

"_Yagami-kun_." The owner of the irritating, sleep-disturbing voice was clearly getting impatient – Light felt a toe poke him in the side and he curled into himself instinctively, trying to protect his poor stomach. "As I thought." A sniff. "Yagami-kun is deliberately feigning concussion to hinder the progress of the investigation. It is now twenty percent more likely that Yagami Light is, in fact, Ki-"

"L...?" Light's eyes finally flickered open, the boy hissing and closing his lids once more when a painful amount of light hit his poor irises. His head hurt, tribal drums calling for war at his abused temples. Another pause, slight, the feeling of a presence crouching down, a shadow passing over Light's face.

"Light-kun?" Cool fingers, long and spindly, touched the boy's forehead, a quiet 'hm' escaping the one inspecting. "Open your eyes." Blearily, Light did as he was bid, the thundering in his head trebling in volume at the act. "So you _do_ have concussion…" L, the owner of both hand and annoying voice, looked vaguely concerned. Light would've been mildly touched at that had he not felt as awful as he did at that moment in time, his bewildered mind preoccupied in idly wondering just why it was he was lying nigh face-down on the cold floor of the headquarters.

"What…?"

"Yagami-kun fell asleep at his desk," said L rather shortly. "Deciding for once Yagami-kun might actually need his rest I let him be, but then Yagami-kun had to stir in his sleep, thereby both falling off his chair and smacking his head off of the metal desk." The black-haired detective was frowning, concerned expression off before lost in a dark cloud of distinct displeasure. "The resulting drag on the chain joining us caused me to drop my cake, pulling me from the chair to hit the floor beside the comatose Yagami-kun."

_'Ah.'_ _So_ that _was why l was so –_

"Yagami-kun is extremely clumsy in his sleep."

"I am not." The defense slipped out automatically, but the frown alongside it only caused another painful throb somewhere deep within Light's cranium.

"I believe Light-kun's concussion disproves his statement." L, stupid, idiotic, apathetic L, was unsympathetic. "Now if Light-kun could kindly raise himself from the floor so I may call Watari for some more of the cake he so rudely deprived me of earlier?"

Visions of cake danced before Light's eyes, a beautiful cake-car, a runaway rabbit, a distraught King/squeaky mouse thing, a hyperventilating Watari. The stoned huminallar-human-caterpillar-bug thing, a table of tea and jam, twins with different colored eyes, the lime-green-hatted B. The screeching Takada, the oinking pig-Jack-lawyer, the oblivious Sayu and the scowling Misa stomping her foot. The costumed task force, the quacking Matsuda and the perverted, apple-demanding cat–shinigami Ryuk and – and –

It slipped away like a daydream, a nightmarish hallucination, leaving only disquiet and confusion behind, and a deep-seated thankfulness of –

"I'm away from those lunatics!" It was a very startled L who was bowled over by a suddenly energized Light, the detective's suspect suddenly going absolutely crazy and outright _glomping_ his chain-buddy into the floor.

"Yagami-kun…?" L was, much to his chagrin, utterly bewildered.

"They're gone, they're gone, they're gone, they're gone, they're - _you_." Amber eyes suddenly zeroed in on L (Light Yagami recovered from concussions fast, it seemed), their golden color suddenly an extremely irritated shade.

L internally debated whether he should call in a doctor. One with a nice white jacket for his suspect. Hopefully some sedative too, judging by the unholy gleam of murder sneaking into Light's expression. (L quietly and subtly began trying to ease his suspect off of him without inciting the boy to grievous bodily harm.) "I'm _who_ now, Yagami-kun?"

Light scowled at him, shifting, his whole aura decidedly ominous.

L promptly gave up on subtlety, and tried outright pushing the other off of him.

All hell broke loose.

...

Watari absent-mindedly wondered, later, when he walked into the main room at the Investigation headquarters, why Light Yagami was ranting about breasts, magenta frills and cake as he attempted to strangle L with the chain between their two handcuffs, but he merely dismissed it as another oddity of the two genius, antagonistic young men being forced into such close proximity for so long together.

The boys were strange like that.

* * *

**Angela:** And so our adventures with Light in the land of Wonderland comes to a close, and we say goodbye to Alice and friends. But! It's not over yet. There's much more to come. Stick around folks, we're off to Oz!


End file.
